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so sleep alone tonight
She wants to be happy.
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Beseech
Don't judge me.
I'm touchy, so be nice.
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IZYAN
HANISAH
KAK ILLY
SYUHADAH
JOHAN
NABEEL
HERLEEN
KELLY
SHIYUN
JIA
HUI
CHLOE
MR
PERRY LAI
WEI
JU
HAIKEL
SYAFIQAH
KRISTA
NAB
ILLAGORDON NALYSSA archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
It's fading.
I think the brighter side of me is fading each time I go to skool.Im becoming a boring person. No one to entertain. No one to tease. No one teasing me. Sheeshh. What a life. & she's bored out or her wits. Im sorry, my dearest, Lionel.
I've made the biggest mistake of my life. Hurting my oh-so dearest bestfriend, Lionel. Im so sorry for neglecting you & saying such things to you. Please dont let go of me, cuz Im holding on to you strongly. Both of our lives sucks but please dont make it any worse. You've always been my bestfriend despite whatever had happened to us for the past years. I've never hated you. Whatever it is, I still love you(: Hopeless case.
Listening to those conversations, I feel so hopeless. Goshh, I really suck at making new friends. I seriously dont know how I stole my precious ones hearts. Hahs.Ohh well, the green-eyed monster me is back. I cant take it la. Fcuk. Whatever. Today was a great day after skool that is. Met up with dear(: It was worth every second of it. CANT WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!(x Gonna see all the faces that Ive been yearning for! YAY! But except for Izie): Thank God we're in the same skool. Go work k, Izie? Then blanje me! huhu(x 15bucks per hour DAMN! Pictures tells it all.
 KR Student Councillors`05-07  4e7`07  4e7`07  2e5`05  My irritant.  My love.  My dear.  My darl.  My fatass. Everywhere I turn,
Everywhere I turn, I see people having fun and laughters. Why isnt there any in my life at the moment? I saw Su Kheng & he just said hi & continued running as if Im nobody to him. Went back to Mac & sat. Looking around, I spotted Su Kheng again. Then, I saw LY. I kept my eyes on them, hoping they will spot me. But they were too busy chatting with their classmates. I watched them for awhile longer. Finally, I walked over to them. LY was shocked when he saw me. & he quickly stood up and talked to me. How I miss that guy. Su Kheng was being his same old lame self. Cracking stupid jokes. But hey, I do miss him too. We talked & yeahh, I felt a sense of gratefulness that I have them in the same school. However, we dont really bump into one another much. Old jokes were spoken out during that conversation. & just the sight of them, Im all smiles. I got back to my seat with a few of my classmates. Still watching them though. I watched as they gel-in with their classmates. Then, the 2 birthday girls from their class came. & the birthday surprise started. An ugly green-eyed monster I became. I watched LY & Su Kheng. I didnt know I would ever see them with different people. People whom I dont even know. I couldnt take it any longer, I got up & went home. In the train, I watched. Couples everywhere. A significant couple sat across from me. They were so cute. The girl is a lill to the nerdy type, & the guy is to the cool one. They're from Indonesia. Both are from different Secondary Schools. Nonetheless, they look perfect. Eventhough the girl look nerdy, she is a cool one. She owns a freaking small ipod and uber cool headphones. They were so amazed by her ipod since it sticks to the trian's window pane glass. Her boyfriend is the most amazed one. They brought a smile to my face & also a sense of sadness since I havnt seen my significant other for 3 days. Sighs. I realized that the couple dont really care whether other people are looking at them. They were to caught up with their own companions. Unlike some M&M couples. They will tend to stare at other people, with that smirk on their faces or that bitchy-ness in them. Sheeshh. The sight of lesbians kissing at the far end of the train disgust me. What has this world gotten into? The view of the world from my eyes. This word:MISS.
I miss my dear, Johan.I miss my darl, Hanie. I miss my love, Izie. I miss my irritant, Haikel. I miss my fatass, Lionel. I miss my sec school, KRSS. I miss Ms Vivien Wan. I miss Ms Tan Peck Joon. I miss Mrs Soh Wei Fang. I miss Ms Kai Shin Mian. I miss Mr Koh Suan Lam. I miss Mr Perry Lai. I miss Mr Yamin. I miss Mr Chan Kar Hong. I miss Ms Lim Chye Leng. I miss Mrs Tan May Teng. I miss Mdm Azidah. I miss Wun Ying. I miss Cheryl. I miss Winifred. I miss Nessya. I miss Chia Yee. I miss SarahP. I miss Jasmine. I miss Liying. I miss Aloysius. I miss Jia Wei. I miss Su Kheng. I miss Matthew. I miss Thye Leng. I miss Saifullah. I miss Shafiq. I miss Zhan Yu. I miss Wei Ju. I miss Wei Yang. I miss Hanxiang. I miss Wei Ern. I miss Samuel. I miss Liyun. I miss Zemin. I miss Nathan. I miss Subodh. I miss Yong Hwee. I miss Yan Nan. I miss Carina. I miss Geraldine. I miss Glenn. I miss Herleen. I miss Farah. I miss Yong Xiang. I miss Adrian. I miss Jian Ping. I miss Jia Qi. I miss Haslinna. I miss Rafidah. I miss Aishah. I miss Yasmin. I miss Nabeel. I miss Carissa. I miss Jerlynn. I miss Jasper. I miss Krista. I miss Syuhadah. I miss Diana. I miss Kasliza. I miss my life. I miss being myself around people that I know. I miss laughing. I miss smiling. I miss cracking jokes. I miss forming smiles on my friends' faces. I miss being the cause of their tummy aches from laughing. I miss being comfortable with someone that knows me well. I miss not having to think how I have to impress other people. I miss having to go through shits in school with my friends by my side. I miss eating lunch with them, choking on our food while laughing. I miss being comforted by them when I feel down. I miss hanging out with them after school. I miss being the butt of all jokes they had on me. I miss being bullied by them. I miss being pissed off when they ever do that. I miss seeing those familiar faces. Those faces which actually reflects who I am exactly. Those faces which appeases me whenever I feel lost. Those faces which brings smile to my face. Those faces which you will never know how much I miss. I will kill just to see those faces once again. I am never gonna move on. You have no idea what Im going through. I MISS YOU. Everything sucks right now.
The sick-season is here people! Im like breaking into cold-sweats right now. My voice is grouchy. I can barely talk without having to gasp for air. Fcuk. I dont feel like going to school. I just wanna stay at home and rest. I dont wanna face those classmates of mine. Not all la. Alahh! Donno la. fcuk.This morning when I walked to school with a few of my classmates, I had an emotional breakdown sehh. Memories in KR flooded my mind and I pictured myself in class, in canteen with lionel and all. Fcuk. Its so sad. I sent a mass msg to my precious ones during lecture. Tried to wipe my tears, hoping no one sees them. Goshh. I sound so pathetic. I HATE POLY LIFE. Im too cool for school!
Didnt manage to go school today since Im sick. My mom spread it to me. Spent most of my days sleeping. huhu(x How nice. I dont really know what to blog about. Im running out of ideas. hmmm...school? Well, it's boring. Nothing interesting. Missed frisbee orientation today. I wonder how Izie's doing. I feel bad for not being able to make it today. She's so alone): ohoh! She just called me. Gonna call her back in 5. Let her activate her free incoming first. huhu(x Anw, Im surprise that my classmates cared about me. I thought they wont notice me when Im absent. But hey! I was wrong(: Thx guys! Okayyy. Im lost. I dont know what to blog about. Sorry. & she feels so rotten. New life? No thanks.
Poly life is just plain shitty. I dont like it. My class is united for one, but I just dont feel belonged there. There's only 2 malays. & we're like sticking by each other. It's good to have her close but I do want to mix around with the others too. Fcuk, & being a paranoid that I am, I think no one in the class likes me): I dont really talk in class. I just watched them. When I did talked, nobody listens to me. & when I make jokes, they dont really get it. How sad is that? I seriously think I dont belong there)": It's just like the same situation I was in when Im in Sec1 & 2. I hate being in that stage of life when nobody noes you & you try your best to get them to like you. However, they just dont understand who & what you are. It's so hard. I dont want to be a loner for those 3 miserable years. I dont want those 3 years to be miserable. I just want my secondary skool life back. & people always want things eventhough they know it's impossible. I miss my close ones, my 4e7'07 classmates, my councillors, my teachers & each and every part of Kent Ridge itself. The skool holds so much memories & I want to relive it again. I hate changes. Im bad at adapting to a different environment. Creating a new life as similar as my sec skool life is seriously hard. & I'll always go through emotional breakdown in between. The choice of suicide is also possible. haha. I such a hopeless case. I cant make friends let alone understand the modules Im taking. Apparently Im stressed out, however I dont show it to anyone in particular. When Im with my love ones, Im just overwhelmed with happiness that I get to see the faces I dont see often. So there's no vacancies for the face of sadness at the moment. Poly is so much more expensive than JC laa! WTF. I feel like such a burden to my mom. She works so hard for the money. Then Im like spending so much on this notebook, notes & textbooks. Fcuk it. Im like having a breakdown. What did she do to deserve an ex-husband who is such an ass? Im just afraid that I wont do well in my studies & waste my mom's hard earned money. I will disappoint her greatly & I will win the worst daughter award once more. Im so stressed out. An essay.
Finally I got my laptop back. However, it still freezes on me. & all my frigging files are frigging GONE! FUCK. I am SO gonna buy a new one. I hope. siggghhhss. Anyways.[2nd April] I spent my birthday with a BLAST! Izie & Hanie brought me to Sentosa. We were the Beach Babes(x Woohhoo! Had a cake that my precious ones bought for me. Played frisbee and beach ball. It was SO hot! Goshh. All in all, it was bliss spending my birthday with the people I love(: Thank you girls! You rock my world!! After Sentosa, me & Izie doubled. But first, we sent Hanie to the Mrt. Then, we caught a movie. STEP UP 2!! It was frigging awesome laa! I fell for Mus(: Yupp! 2nd April was a good day. [10th April] First day of orientation in NYP was a real nerve-wrecker. I didnt know I have sweaty palms until then. Gross. The OGLS were an awesome bunch. They really reminded me of us, student councillors. Sighhss. I sat in the Auditorium with my classmates. The first friend I made is Nabilla. The only malay classmate I have. How sadd. Then, there was Shuan, Clarissa and Xiu ling. Xiu ling transfered to TP since she live at Bedok! She's a girly-girl but she's nice(: First day was really a drag. The talks were like making us freshies fall asleep. Sheeshh. We only had our lunch at ard 12? We've been growing our asses on the chairs for at least 2hours. Lunch was not as enlightening either. The food is just....speechlessly disturbing. I cant even cut the skin off the chicken drumstick without cracking my spoon. Sheeshh. After lunch was ice-breaker games in the sports hall. Before that, my classmates were like certain that they werent gonna turn up for the 2nd day of orientation. I was a little peer pressured but I didnt give in. I dont want to give the OGLS a hard time. They planned and tired their best to let us have a good time. Kent and Jason [my OGLS] knew that most of them didnt want to turn up. So they talked to them about feeling weird on the first day of skool and all. & yeahh, majority of my class did attend. [11th April] Second day was way better. There were wet games! Whee(x Early in the morning we needed to shout and cheer. I could but again, peer pressure. The whole SBM were dead since it was only 9, PLUS, it was raining. The best time to remain in bed rather than going for orientation. Sheeshh. We carried on with our games since the rain had stopped. The games were cool. Nothing I have ever seen before. The games did gel us up together. During the wet games, I hit a guy in the croutch with a water bomb. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. I really didnt aim there. Shits. I was panicking the whole time. My class was the attacker while the other class was the player. Then we had to switch roles so they had to attack us. I apologized to the guy & he said it was okay in an unconvincing manner. I was scared out of my wits dammit! But luckily, he didnt aim me. Syukur. My class and my OGLS were getting closer too. I really had fun. The guys in my class are so shy. haha! Us, girls let them feel belonged. We played truth,truth and more truth. I told them about my situation and all. haha. There is a Lionel in my class [ughh!], & surprisingly, he's situation coincides mine. Freaky. After wash up and all, we had a concert. & there was a group of 3 guys performing the 'Your Guardian Angel' song. Fcuk. Why does NYP has to remind me so much of my past?! Sheeshh. When it came to the cheer competiton, my course, MK, WON!! Wooohhoo! We have uphold our title of becoming the best in SBM! BOOYAHH!(x & I got high in the later part of the evening. haha! The whole thing ended at ard 8. I reached home at ard 9.15pm. Fcuk. Hanie kept me company during my journey home. Thanks darl!(: Was totally drained and I crashed into my bed after showering. [12th April] The next day, me & dear doubled with Izie & Ron(: We went Sentosa. Not to the beach but to the other attractions. Took cable-car to Sentosa! It was scary but I distracted myself. huhu(x Then, off to 3D movie thingy. It was cooool! haha! Merlion was next. Couldnt get to the head. Only the mouth since it was raining. & there was a bitch fight in the small theater where they show the history of Singapore. When we & the other tourists got into the elevator, the 2 women who fought were left outside since there wasnt enough space. I laughed my heart out sakk! Funny like hell. It was like a chinese drama or something. haha! After Merlion, we went to Underwater World! I wasnt really looking at the fishes but the kids attracted me. There was one baby who is SUCH A DOLL! I wanted to bring him home. However, the daddy carried him and ran away. Ohh well. Had a photography session with dear. I was like a pro! Jyeahh!(x Towards the end, the guys asked me & Izie to touch the fishes. I was damn scared laa. Gross sehh. I touched a starfish & a shark. Izie was much more braver than me. haha! yeahh. & then, off we went the luge ride. Otw there, we passed a tatoo shop. The tatoos are only temporary. Lasts for 3 weeks. I wanted to get one but Im afraid that my mom will kill me. Sorry Izie. I noe how badly you wanted it): so after much contemplating, we moved on. While waiting for the bus, Izie realized that the pendant I gave her that morning was lost. My heart was broken but I know it's an accident. Im just afraid that it's a sign that Im gonna lose her or something. sighhs. It is true what she said. The pendant doesnt mean anything. Its her. haha! She's so cute. Im kinda superficial when it comes to these kinda things but I wont let it get to me. I still love you, my love!(: Anw, Izie & Ron went for the luge ride while I rested with dear by my side. I didnt have enough rest. I have frigging eye bags for God's sake! Sheeshhh. After the luge, we trained to Vivo & ate at Banquet & then home. Dear & I went to the ticket office at the MRT station when I finally realized that my wallet was missing la! I panicked sak. Goshh! But dear was there to reassured me that I left it at home. Just imagine being me on that very day. Tired and drained, plus the feeling of worriedness when the pendant was lost and the feeling of hopeless-ness when realizing my wallet was lost. Fcuk. That's the worst state anyone can ever be in. Sighhhs. Dear accompanied me home & he waited for me downstairs while I went home to check if I really left my wallet there. & THANK YOU GOD, it was there. Syukur. So, I decided to go Jurong & apply for my tertiary card. & all of that is done now. Thank you dear for a day spent with you(: Thank you Izie & Ron for the wonderful company(: I love you guys to the core! Double again someday k? & she's grateful. |